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Boy, Officer & Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im go"

Wisdom Quotes

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried." Mae West

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." Jimi Hendrix

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman

"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars." Steve Martin

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." W.C. Fields

"Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them." Samuel Palmer

The Camel Joke

There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy sez, "Yeah," and hops in. The driver asks "What about your camel?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he's okay... he knows his way to town."

So the driver start's driving, gets up to about 45 MPH, looks in his rearview mirror and sees the camel right behind him. He sez to the guy, "Hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us?

The guy replies, "Yeah it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

The driver speeds up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. He sez to the guy, "Your camel is still there."

The guy replies, "Really it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

So the driver speeds up to 65 MPH. He drives for a bit, look's behind him, then looks at the guy and says, "Hey buddy your camel, he's looking pretty rough."

The guy replies, "Oh yeah? What's he doing?"

The driver sez, "Well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out."

The guy replies, "His tongue is hanging out? Which side?"

The driver sez, "The left side."

The guy replies, "You'd better hold your course... he's fixin to pass ya!"

The Toilet Brush

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

More of Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Essential Disk Care Guide

- Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.

- Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

- Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

- Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

- Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

- Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks.

- A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

- Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.

- Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

- If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

- Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

- Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.